Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I have been working at my employer for almost 11.5 years. My business card says I'm a Senior Application Developer. The company org chart says I'm a Specialist I. So why do I feel so young (more so 'inexperienced')?
I look in the mirror and I have wrinkles on my forehead (this I blame on my kids for constantly worrying about them), I have laugh lines around my mouth (definitely blamed on my friends), and I use wrinkle cream around my eyes EVERY night (still figuring out who to blame this on). But when I'm at work, talking with coworkers, management, or VPs, I feel so YOUNG. So naive so insecure, so ready for them to point a finger at me and tell me I'm an imposture - that I'm lying to myself and everyone else around me - that I JUST graduated from college and I'm really inexperienced. But they don't, because my wrinkles and long list of accomplishments tell them I have experience, even if my body language/posture/idiotic responses show otherwise.
I have notes from colleagues telling me about my "invaluable experience", how they couldn't have done it without me, how I am very helpful and knowledgeable, how I'm a very good leader and I have good management skills. People come to me with questions, and I have answers or I know where to find them. Wouldn't you think I would believe everybody by now? Shouldn't I be strutting around with an inflated ego by now?
I don't know why I feel like this some days. Maybe I need to carry a mirror around to remind myself that I'm older than I feel? What I need to do is find a way to stay young at heart, but still believe in myself. Perhaps feeling inexperienced is good, so I strive to understand more and maybe that's what others see. Maybe it's because I work in a male dominated occupation, so I don't know how women are supposed to feel/act? That's a lot of maybes. One thing for sure is that I feel more comfortable now in my job setting than I did when I first started this blog post. Maybe seeing this in writing will help pep me up! But just in case, I'll carry a mirror around.